“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . . . It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
— Marianne Williamson
A quote by Soren Kierkegaard on Purpose and Potential —
“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating as possibility!”
― Either/Or: A Fragment of Life
As I start 2018, with no job, plodding through group therapy, and a troubled outlook with life, from the bottom looking up, I catch a glimmer of potential and possibilities. Who knows what this year can bring, but I hopefully shall meet it with an ardent spirit.
Only in God’s grace.
What a week it has been. How does it go? You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have it, the facts of life?
Wednesday morning, had a good session with my psychologist. Seems the zoloft is doing really well. Might not need partial hospitalization. I’m not locking myself away from life. I am staying creative. I am staying involved.
Thursday afternoon, Partial Hospitalization called to start the process. Let them know that my psychologist and I thought it would not be necessary. I thought she had let my psychiatrist know the change. If I ever needed it though, it was still an option.
Felt pretty good last week. Managed to organize and purge paperwork dating back to 2014. Rearranged the living room to give it some fresh perspective. Threw my back out, in the process.
Friday was a good and calm day. Had a photoshoot with Shane Balkowitsch for his wet plate studio. Always ever a good time with his creative soul. Late lunch and coffee with Barry Nelson from Fargo, fellow member of NDHRC. Such an encouraging person. In the evening, did a photoshoot for a friend who needed pics for their significant other.
Saturday, what a day. An enjoyable day. Brunch with a delightful friend Jenn. Change of command, and retirement ceremony for a friend retiring from the National Guard. Birthday open house for a fellow Sanders progressive. Attended the BSC play with a compassionate friend. Challenging topic in the play.
Sunday. Sunday. Bloody Sunday. Yeah, I could tell as soon as I woke up that I would not be doing anything that day. When my shoulders just cringe with ache, and it takes all my energy to raise my arms, I know that as a trigger that fatigue is going to consume me for the day or two. So, missed going to church, and to the Dakota Stage play in the afternoon, and missed a friend’s invite for supper. Add all that up, and of course moping joins in.
Part of the Sunday routine is verifying with Job Service for a weekly check-in with your weekly job contacts. Over fifty applications and resumes in the past ten weeks. No interviews. About ten rejections.
It all feels like the dating process as well. I begin to wonder, what is wrong with me. What am I doing wrong? Am I too old? Am I too qualified? Am I too “out”? Do I have too much experience? Plus, it doesn’t help when people tell me, “I’d hire you!”, even though they haven’t any job opening or whatever. Something better will come along. Right?
Right? Ten weeks with no contact or interviews or such, it is wearying. Are you doing this? Are you doing that? Have you tried there? You must not be applying yourself hard enough? Are you even trying? Nah, I prefer living on unemployment and having no meaning for my existence. Yes, it is wonderful for people to be concerned and to ask. But, not in a way that makes me feel like I am doing nothing to better myself. I am trying.
Monday, basically a repeat of the same. Called Partial Hospitalization to take them up on the offer. Well, since I turned down the offer, just on Thursday, the process of vetting has to start all over again. So, who knows how long that will be.
Left the apartment to deposit a payment check. Did a bit of retail therapy at Target. Checked on Mike’s mail and the house. Got home and had a letter from the VA stating that the next step for qualifying for disability for the Military Sexual Assault (MSA), and PTSD will be the complete medical exam. That will be within the next three to six months.
Today had lunch with my work wife at Taco John’s. She is such a good encouragement, even though we miss each other at work. Got home and started this entry, and Partial Hospitalization phoned to say they have an opening. So, Wednesday, I go in at 12:30 for a verification evaluation and stuff. Then I start on Thursday, 8 to 2. Who knows what that is going to do. It will be a four to six week program, Monday through Friday, 8 to 2. Since I haven’t any one here to help me direct in the moment, I guess it will be good.
In the moment, here and now. Just completely meh. At age 51 and just wondering where am I needed. Why am I needed. Longing for good validation. Longing for companionship. Just tired. Tired. The feelings are real, even if the feelings do not match reality. I just want to feel real again.
drifter oh drifter
untethered and free i was Continue reading living this drifter