Category Archives: Wandering With Shadows

My personal journey with anxiety, loneliness, depression, PTSD therapy and continuing recovery.

The Drama Queen Bellers

Well. This is where I am. Yes, I am at work. In Bismarck. Mentally, emotionally, I haven’t the clue where I am.

I am being evicted. Not for any reason of my own, nor of my landlady’s. The basement apartment has become toxic. First it was mold, then came the radon. My landlady has become tapped out and has decided that she is unable to move farther along with any continued remodeling and believes for my health and safety that I should move. My primary care doc even advised as much.

So. Fixing to be transitionary again. I think I can deal with all of that. But I have been there six years. I love that place, the Grotto.

What right now I am unable to comprehend is the silence. I sent an email out to close siblings and cousins. Two cousins direct replied with solid concern and stuff. I posted the blip on Facebook. Out of 480+ friends on there, only two have thus far posted any direct reply to that update. A few have been sending me periodic messages sharing concern.

Therefore, I plod on forward alone. Yes, I have received great hospitality from my gal pal sis this past month whilst the apartment was being remodeled. Had it not been for her, the stress level would have been even more unbearable. Had it not been for being on stage, I would not have had a great diversion. Had it not been for the checking in from my NASCAR brother, I’d believe I’d been forgotten. Had it not been for faith in Christ, it would be so much easier to toss in the towel and simply depart.

Where is the voice from the local faith community? Where is the voice from the  gay community? Why can I not embrace the warmth and concern from simply my beloved theatre family? Why must I fret over the silence of others? What am I supposed to do? Am I not enough of a drama queen already that I really don’t need to be jumping up and down screaming for a smidge of compassion?

I give and give and give. I am done give out. A random hug here or there, a kind word here or there, yes they do refuel me. But for how long? How long can a man trod on alone without replenishment before the path swallows him whole? Yes, I am reminded thoroughly through Scripture of the promises of God’s sustaining love and care. But wouldn’t a human-in-flesh reminder be nice too? Where are the human hands and feet of Christ here on earth for me? Am I being selfish? Am I being whiney? What would You have me learn from all this recent muck, YHWH? When can I come Home? Why do I always get ruffled by the unknown? What is going on. What.

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Status Update #110302

Before things get too carried away, let me publicly state that no matter how intriguing life is getting here what with the health muck, the house mess, life continues. The sun still rises and sets, the sky is still blue, and J.C. is still the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I know who holds the future and I rest in His Grace and Mercy. But, I still appreciate any TLC some might have to spare. (-;

Life Instigators

Here I sit, the morning after my 45th Birthday. Where do I sit. Where am I. I am here.
I work. I act. I believe. I live. Where are you. Last night I discovered the truth about Life Instigators. Those who want to instigate life with me. Those who goad or urge forward. Those who enjoy life. Those who share a mutual, two-way, continued, viable, living and breathing interest in life and all that it entails.

I failed in giving myself time to plan any big bash for this milestone, plus I am in rehearsals for a play. So, I sent an open invite on Facebook for any and every one to join me at Fiesta Villa after rehearsals. I texted several friends after rehearsal as well. Five members of the cast crossed the street with me to Fiesta Villa and we walked in. Empty. Then arrived several of my choice Life Instigators. Ron and Dan, Mike and Kurt, Nancy, later Wade, eventually Poppy, and finally Austin, and Amber. Yes, there were those who were genuinely kind enough to send regrets and true greetings.

So here I sit. Should be heading to work. Let me get this out first. Resignation, not bitterness. Maybe a spot of bitter. Yet overall, Relief. Some things I will now quit upon reaching this milestone of 45.

I will now quit romance and the pursuit/hope thereof. The grave has been dug, romance tossed in, the casket sealed, and concrete poured over. Done. Gone are the hopeful perusals of internet dating sites. Gone are the lingering at dances with hope. Gone is window shopping with longingly gazes.

I will now quit being the initiator to any and all but save for those I know from gained experience who are true Life Instigators. Initiating hugs, spontaneity, random acts of kindness, life.

I will now quit trying to keep the door open to those who have closed the door. 

Those are behind me. Life is ahead. 45 more years, who knows? I simply move forward with the hopeful purpose of continuing the excitement of instigating life with my true Life Instigators. I know who they are, and I hold them most closely to my heart. They bring me joy. They refresh my spirit. They know who they are; and if not, I will always remind them. They will be the ones to scatter my ashes to the wind.