what is this

Last week was a tough one. On Tuesday, worked on a client project. Win. Had Taco Tuesday with a cherished friend. Win. Met with my Veteran Service Officer regarding my newly designated DAV status and forthcoming benefits. 50/50. Attended the Cancer Caregiver Support Group hosted by Bismarck Cancer Center. 40/60. Uff da. It just opened up a whole lot and left me bereft.

Despite my PTSD meds for nightmares, for three mornings straight, I woke up exhausted from sadness and despair found in the dream world. I cannot remember any details of the dreams, but I do know each of them were about death in some form or fashion. So, I sheltered in place for the most part, and kept the blinds shut.

Today, Sunday, I finally brought myself back to church. I don’t think I have been to Revive since January, definitely not since returning from Arizona in April. I tried to go many times, but I just wasn’t ready, and felt rather sheepish for having been gone so long. Nevertheless, it was refreshing to again be in the presence of believers worshipping our Mighty Savior.

And then, after church, we had a church family meeting where Pastor Derek made the announcement that he is resigning, and the family is moving back to Iowa to be much closer with family. He is one of few pastors in my life with whom I have felt safe and not judged or scrutinized.

So, here we are. First my job is taken away. Then Mike dies. Then good friends move out of state. Then now this. These are people, places where I felt safe.

What on earth do I mean?

These specific people are dear friends with whom all cards are on the table, and safety and calmness are the norm. Friends who could tell how to protect me when needed. Friends who knew somehow when to get me in their presence. Friends with whom no matter how much time separated, when rejoined it was as if no time had passed. Friends with whom we each purposed to be involved in each others life. And now, they are gone.

What are you teaching me Lord? I have been pretty much alone a vast majority of my life. And now, even moreso. These are friends who are trustworthy, reliable, and just there. And now, who? What? I know I probably matter to many others, I just don’t matter to me.

I am in my second 50 year childhood, and I am not so keen on letting new people into my existence, I don’t know how. I am weary, I am tired. All I ask is for you to show me what I am to do. What is this lesson?

what is this