Well bud, I have failed you. It’s been 3 weeks and you’re still gone.

I honestly do not understand or know why this is so tough to navigate. I mean, I have been through countless deaths and grieving before, all on my own, pretty much without any comfort. Why is it so tough this time.

I have failed others by not reaching out to comfort them. I have sheltered in place with my grief.

I tried to get friends together to meet at Applebee’s. Our friend Carol was there. It is so good to see her. The only others who showed up were Janet and her husband. Remember them? They came over to your house last summer to share Alaska insights with us before the Big Trip. That trip was so much fun.

Anyways, it was good to hear those two sharing their stories of you. Oh, by the way, I was over at your house last week with Dan. Your postman passed by, stopped and questioned about you. But of course he had good memories. Also,  I talked with Adam, your neighbor across the street. He told me of all your kindness to him. You meant a lot to so so so many people.

Last week Kathleen took me out for lunch and a movie. A friend of mine from Minot was to town, and she took me out for brunch.  I have received a few messages or a phone call, mostly from people I have only just met in the past couple years.

I guess I just had this fairytale fantasy that friends would stop by or something. But yeah, you and I talked about that on the drive down to Arizona. Sure enough, the realities we talked about are true. I know, I know, you want me to snap out of it, even with the fact I am on my own.

I am glad you let me hold your hand through those final two torturous nights. I felt your return squeeze a couple times. But did you really need to moan and groan so much? I am still hearing that noise. Cancer Queen.

I am glad we had a friendship where we could be sarcastic and encouraging simultaneously. But now, who do I rely on, who do I trust, who am I safe with, since you have crossed the Finish Line.

I know peeps mean well telling me that I will get over this, I will grow stronger through this. I know all that, I do. But right now, I am just simply numb. I feel nothing. I miss you brother-friend.

I miss you.