and then

Today I had my follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist. She expressed her concern that I do everything for everybody else, but I don’t do anything for myself. Can I also wonder if anyone does anything for me in return. It’s not selfish, it’s self love, self care.

She is also greatly concerned with the fact that after I return from Arizona after helping Mike drive down to move down, I will not have any one person as a confidant; and no one to rely on as much as Mike and I have relied on each other. So what do I do. That is the question.  I don’t see finding anyone to be there. Finding someone to trust.

Mike and I were talking about how being at our age, being gay, and being single is a detriment because everyone I know, everyone he knows, is settled down, married or in a relationship, and have their own family responsibilities. Those that are single, most of them would prefer partying and that’s not what I need, that’s not what I want.

I would hope to find someone that we could rely on each other. But how do you find such.  No, not meetup groups because those are groups. Yes, they’re great for socializing but for that one-on-one kinship, someone who we could rely on each other.

This whole life transition of being unemployed for now 22 weeks, with 105 resumes applications sent out, and now having my best friend move away, another vacancy occurs and I am lost. Just another season of singing Hold Me Jesus Because I’m Shaking Like a Leaf.


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