But yet, I am drained

My Life is an Open Book Rambling Journal Entry #170825: 🤔

No more passive aggressive. No more walking on eggshells. No more tiptoeing

around the bush. Life sucks. Well, just a couple specific facets of in throng of a thousand good facets.

I am tired of being the one who will show up for anyone, for anything. Yes, I know, we are not to expect anything in return. But yet, I am drained.

The Facebook app “On This Day” corroborates the historical fact that 99% of the time, no one is there. “Hey, I’m going on a road trip, who will join me?” is met with a couple regrets, and a lot of silence. “Who wants to go to the movie … tomorrow night?” is greeted with silence. Then, there are those replies of, “Well, if no one else will…”, or the invites of “So, if no one else has invited you for … I guess you can join us.”

I had tried in vain for almost two months to get a willing and enthusiastic friend to help me with a competition Saturday morning, and I had to cancel out because of no response to join. (Yes, direct messages, posts to a specific group, posts on my thespian page, and on my personal page.)

I am now realizing the fact that people cannot handle being in a one-to-one with me. In a group crowd setting, certainly. Even if it is for asking someone to join me at a movie. It is a rarity for some one person to hit me up to ask me to go to a movie again. Do people not know that I have many different interests and do like to be invited? I have a great life, and just want to share it with friends who want to share their great life.

Another area that is fucked up is longing for human touch. Platonic human touch. I remember listening to a conversation between two friends who were laughing about napping together on the couch. I piped up that I’d like a nap buddy too. To which one friend snapped back, “Kevin, I don’t see you like that, we’re just friends.” The conversation was non-sexual in all aspects, even my response. But this friend was so repulsed with my request. Makes me realize probably all guys think that I only see them as sexual opportunities?

In the past, I’d host dinner parties. I quit because of lack of interest. It became where people showed up out of duty, and not out of excitement to receive a meal and conversation with friends. Even despite stating my longing for drop-ins, I can count on one hand minus the thumb the people who have dropped by or called and stopped by just to hang out to do nothing.

I wish I could turn off the comments for this post. I don’t need to hear “You have so many friends”, “Quit your complaining”, “Others have it far worse”, “All you ever do is complain”, and my favorite, “Why don’t you just go on your own?” Um, I have, and I do. What is so wrong with longing for someone to join with me?! Especially when going to an event on my own, to be greeted with, “You should have called us to come with us!” Really?

I’ve had two friends reassure me that people suck, and people are selfish, and there are more words than action. I dream of a reality that does not exist. It is my lived experience. Loneliness is one of my chronic mental health problems. I have blogged several times of such over on branderchatfield.com the past few years.

Nevertheless, I continue to wonder if I am valid. Good night.