Dear Love Who Never Was:
I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you believed I didn’t exist. But I did. And I wanted to let you know that while I was as elusive as a dragon grazing in a prairie of four-leaf clovers, I was close. I was around the corner, down the road, on Facebook (a lot), in your shop, at our local coffee house, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the sly. I saw you across the room at church. I swiped you right on Scruff. But it was never our time. And I know you’re wondering why.
It’s really not fair that you had to wait so long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for ‘meh’ relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fell asleep at night. I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So, here it goes. It’s taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I’ve written here was true.
The reasons we never met yet, in no particular order:
- I never threw away the list of things I thought you should be.
- I knew I wasn’t what you were looking for, I was too this or too that.
- I was not ready to be loved unconditionally and completely.
- Since my life was not all together, I thought you would reject me.
- I took it to heart when our friends said you were a perfect match for him or for him, but never considered me as a match with anyone, let alone with you.
- I figured our rural society never would accept you and I as a couple.
- I intentionally kept my head too busy to think with my heart.
- I needed to date more to better understand what I did and didn’t like, but never took the chance.
- I knew my family would never accept us, and I did not want to bring you into that.
- I was too focused on my own needs and wants.
- I didn’t know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.
Clearly, I was never my best self. Or even myself — I was continually figuring out who that was. I’m pretty sure even if we did meet, you wouldn’t like me all that much right. It’s entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your info; or maybe I did get your contact info and never reached out because of any one of the above reasons, or some other vague reason.
I know it took longer than you would’ve liked. It was a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I was there. This was me sharing with you. And I have quit. Please know that it is ok for you to move on.
The Love You Never Met