two sides

Starting this late on Monday night. Plan to post late Tuesday night. Just wanting to randomly document the travels through this melancholy(?) that has gripped me.

The weekend went fine. Just exhaustive, though. A friend from Fargo stayed overnight at my place. Saturday morning, fixed him breakfast. It is good to offer hospitality.

Headed over to the Heritage Center for a day with Democrats at the Policy Reorganizing Meeting. Good to be with fellow progressives, distressing to listen to people state that additional protected classes do not need to be added to the Executive or Policy Committees.

Picked up Mike and we went to a friend’s home for a Taco Supper. Great and simple and wonderful time of visiting and hanging. Overall it was a day of good, real good.

Back home performed on cam for a couple hours.

Sunday went to church. Still ever feel awkward in church groups. Duck in, dash out.

Picked up Andrea to go see “Chicago” at BSC. It honestly was a great production. Yet, I just wasn’t all that enraptured as is my norm at any play. After that went to a Native American flag ceremony at UTTC. Friends had invited me to their home for supper and conversation. A very good time. Some fun pet therapy. Got home, and crashed hard.

Monday, the melancholy(?) commenced. Just a general overall flat feeling. Nothing bad, nothing good. Just.

Stayed after work because I didn’t feel safe enough to be at home. Continued working on the graphic I had started on Friday after work. Got home about 8ish. Friend texted for a B/J, and came over. I am valid for something. Casual sex with no strings, not a problem.

Remainder of the evening watched NCIS on Netflix, purposing to fight the desires for cutting. Just keep on continuing to keep my mind occupied on anything but. One side longs for the release of pain, the other side knows that that will do no good. They battle, they tug, and I am tuckered, unraveled.

Day in recount was just kind of distressing. National Sibling Day, and posts galore of friends with their siblings. Happy pics. So, I posted the pic of Kenny, Kristine, and I. Also posted pics of chosen siblings and I. Kind of a balm to the ache.

Grateful for a friend texting for a ride to the airport on Tuesday. Just being “used”, as it shows that I am valid enough for a friend to rely upon me. Looked at my calendar and see that there are several opportunities of validation through the week.

Silent night of slumber with no nightmares or dreams.

Alarm clock sounded and no desire to crawl out of bed. But, pulled myself together and got ready for work. Sat in the car catching deep breaths, in and out, and headed to work.

Tried to bury my mind in work, but was fruitless. Just wondering if and when and ever the end could come sooner. But yet there is much to do. There is so much good.

The news today from Chechnya of killing and torturing gay men. So much anger and distress in the world. Several times through the day, the song “I Can Only Imagine” was on the radio and/or Pandora. “Will I dance for you Jesus, Or in awe of You be still, Will I stand in your presence, Or to my knees will I fall”. Today, I am too weak to stand, even to kneel.

Drove Jamie to the airport, took myself out for supper, then to second week of Acrylic Painting for Adults class. Learning new techniques, new creativity. It should be a source of bliss for me. But, I look around at the other students’ paintings, and I wonder why I do this. Why do I have this gift of creativity? What impact does it have on the world, on life around me. Ugh.

I get so far in my recovery, and then I get so far back. I have therapy on Friday with my Psychologist. It sucks to have not kept up to par with good recovery. So much good, so much ugh. I know that I am supposed to reach out to a friend. Mental gymnastics come to the forefront, and I am unable to pinpoint who I should contact. If I post on Facebook, history proves it will remain unanswered.

So, this is my battle. Without any doubt, I know full well that God is present, and is my comfort. However, I wish and long for that comfort to be in a human form, and present. I am here, for to care for myself. In the meantime, I adjust my mask, and carry on forward.

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