Connections

Yes, I am an ambiverted introvert. Yes, I do have rounds of melancholy, and want to be alone. Yes, I am confusing. However, please don’t give up on me. You know the many varied interests that I have, and pursue. You know how much I like to go to movies. You know how much I enjoy road trips. You know how much I revel with live theatre. You know how much I thrive in the simple things. You know how much I love coffee. You know I find comfort in worship services. You know how much of a joy for me it is to join your family for a meal, or for an evening of board games. Even a stroll through the mall, or along a walking path, it is good.

Having been the initiator/instigator for most of these, here are some things that I am missing in my life, and have hopes of receiving from at least one true and close friend before my ashes are scattered.

  • Human touch from a friend for no reason (back scratch, neck rub, holding hands, hugs, etc.);
  • Perpetual times of a friend just dropping by to say “Hi” and hang out, and not minding a messy apartment;
  • Random road-trips to no where with no destination in mind, just for the sake of being with a friend;
  • Time together just doing absolutely nothing but being together;
  • Random spontaneity of anything: movies, concerts, worship, theatre, etc.

I longingly crave connection. Please invite me to join with you. If you see me there by myself, ask me if you can join me, or sit with me. Please do not make a production of asking me to come all the way over and join you. Nor adda precursor of “Well if no one else…” with your invite. It just is not my way.

Why don’t I initiate? Years ago I had given up the task of initiating. I had grown weary of posting invites to something, and only getting back regrets from a couple people. Even in text messages. Please take a stroll through my Facebook profile and witness the countless times that I have initiated. You will see the majority of the few responses are regrets that people are unable. The Facebook “On this Day” app continually reminds me of this simple fact. I am too old for the cat and mouse game.

So, I get mostly ignored when I ask for people to join with me on a fun event or such. What is wrong with desiring for some companion in life to howdy me up with a “Hey Kevin, we’re heading to the river, come and join with us” or a “Kevin, let’s spend the afternoon together doing nothing”? Why is it always expected for me to do the initiating, or inviting myself over, and rarely ever receiving a two-way reciprocation in return? Or is that selfish to think that friendships are supposed to be more than only one side doing the vast majority of inviting themselves into events together?

In addition, not receiving unexpected return invites, what is that supposed to do with one’s sense of self? If people want to hang out, why is it always along the lines of “We should get together soon” without the fortitude to just outright say, “Lunch, tomorrow at noon”? If life wants to continue label me has unhappy because I long for people to want join in on my fun life, then I guess I am unhappy. And I know that I am not.

Maybe I am just too spontaneous? Yet, even so, a lot of those post update invites are for events in the future. When someone does join with, it is quite rare for them to reciprocate with an invite to another event. Or even if I ask a second time, I get no response. I do know that everyone is busy, and life gets in the way. I understand that. Is there even an answer for the lack of connection, recognition, validation, or stuff?

So, for the most part, if it is strongly compelling and important even to me, I strive to purpose to go on my own. In doing so, I am ever in anticipation of the greeting from friends there, “You should have called us to go with us!” or something similar. Or after the fact, people will complain that I did not invite them. Sometimes, I wonder if it is because I am involved in so many differing groups, with dozens of people, that friends and acquaintances naturally assume that someone else has already invited me.

I have always been an independent person. I have traveled on my own. I have lived on my own. I have taken care of myself. When I am withdrawn and entertaining melancholy, don’t ask me to call you. It is those times that I haven’t a longing for a want to talk. If anything, I just crave the presence of a trusted friend who can tolerate the sound of silence, or even a round of texting with no agenda of pulling me out.

I know it will get better. I know the shadows will pass. But in the meanwhile, I would long for someone to be there without me having to ask. As strong as I am, yet, through it all, I am lonely. And, I crave connection.

Even if I toss out a “not this time” excuse, please do not stop inviting me.

For those repeat friends, I truly am ever most grateful.

Remember me, please? I am working on becoming better.

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