So, I decided to collect all my Facebook status updates, and compile them into a blog journal of this journey through the shadows.
Which updates did I choose? I searched for the terms: PTSD, EMDR, Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, Alcohol, Rambl, Update, Breakdown. Ninety status entries since the first part of 2011. Maybe one day I might set myself down to read through it all for a reminder of how much I have overcome.
I had another EMDR session this week. The purpose was to find the root cause or where the whole loneliness issue began. As we worked through, the idea of abandonment surfaced, followed by the notion/need of validation. Needing validation has been crux of mine since ever. When I don’t find it, I find myself abandoned. When I feel abandoned, I enter into the shadows of loneliness.
A lot of memories surfaced of being the youngest brother, my siblings did a lot of controlling of me. Using their scare tactics, especially focused around God, they would make me believe that God, or Dad & Mom, hated me and would leave me for whatever infraction I had done. If you pull down the sun visor, you hate God because you are blocking out his light, and he will punish you. Stupid, simple stuff. A lot of end-times prophecy rhetoric was greatly discussed in our family, and I was always terrified of being “left behind”. The only people I really trusted deeply to never leave were Dad & Mom, and God, despite everything said at me.
Throughout life, I would always deem a need for validation from the sense of being included or invited or such. If I got ignored or left, my self-esteem plummeted knowing that I was not wanted. So, I stayed by myself a lot. I do have two sisters, and several cousins, who do keep me connected and included with the family.
I have always been an independent person. I have traveled on my own. I have lived on my own. I have taken care of myself. As strong as I am, yet, through it all, I am lonely.
Years ago I had given up the task of initiating. I had grown weary of posting invites to something, and only getting back regrets from a couple people. The Facebook “On this Day” app shows this as a fact. Maybe I am just too spontaneous? Yet, even so, a lot of those post update invites are for events in the future. When someone does join with, it is quite rare for them to reciprocate with an invite to another event. Or even if I ask a second time, I get no response. So, for the most part, if it is strongly compelling and important even to me, I strive to purpose to go on my own. In doing so, I am ever in anticipation of the greeting from friends there, “You should have called us to go with us!” or something similar. Sometimes, I wonder if it is because I am involved in so many differing groups, with dozens of people, that friends and acquaintances naturally assume that someone else has already invited me.
The other great realm of loneliness comes from after experiencing an event with high emotions of any sort. Knowing that I am going home to an empty apartment where no one is there to unwind and debrief with, that gives me the sense of abandonment, the loss of validation. However, and I agree, my EMDR therapist told me that it is alright to remind myself of the difference/influence/inspiration that I have given people.
So, this is where I am on a Friday afternoon.