My Life is An Open Book Ramble #150402

My Life is An Open Book Ramble #150402: May I come clean, come out, and let you know the truth of the matter, the truth of my psyche? If not, please pass on, for the poop is about to get real and raw.

Let me just first state, life is continuing on. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. OK? Here goes. I live a life with chronic suicidal thoughts. Daily. Most often barely noticeable, if even present.

I have failed with suicide about four times in my life. I am a self-abuser. I am a strong believer in faith in Christ. And I struggle with wanting to stick around. I would rather be with Dad and Mom in Glory than here on earth, not just only here in North Dakota. Yet, I remain.

With #SB2279 this Legislative Session and all that that surrounded it, and all the rally cries supporting and against it, living with my CST has been tough. I had grand illusions if that #SB2279 failed in the Senate, I could do a self-immolation on the steps of the Capitol building. And last night in anticipation of the vote today, I stayed at work for fear of plans that had been ruminating in my mind all through yesterday.

Why don’t you just move if it is so terrible in North Dakota? Why should I? If you are so concerned about me staying in North Dakota, what are you doing to help fight for a better state? No. I love North Dakota, I am staying. I greatly appreciate the strong career I have built. Many friends and relatives make this a warm and welcoming state.

How can I keep on continuing on knowing that the House of Representatives have said that I am not worthy of protection? Of the faith groups who probably are celebrating this defeat, their triumph? Even of the family members who do not agree I deserve protection. How?

Each day is indeed truly a remarkable miracle from God reminding me that I am worthy of His grace and mercy. I have absolutely no clue why He keeps me here. But, also, I do know that those sixty representatives voting NO are a but only a pithy and minute number in comparison to the quantitative hordes of witnesses who stand for justice and dignity.

Allies and friends from pertenearly each and every walk of life. Some are blood relatives, some are friends who have chosen me as family. Some are members of a faith community, some are atheists. For by your strength, I can carry on.

If you find it necessary to leave a comment, please don’t. Instead, go and be vocal to those who need to hear your voice of support. I know of your compassion, go share it forward.

Hugs. And stuff. Thank you. I best get back to work, before they fire me for being gay (-;