The Sum of Anxiety

Open Book Ramble #140801: What gives you the creepy-crawlies? Imagine a closed room full of them. Nerve wracking, eh? Imagine yourself in that closed room with them. They can’t get to you. Imagine yourself in that closed room with them within an event that you so really enjoy. The creepy-crawlies are there, but you know they can’t get to you, so you enjoy the event, but you know the creepy-crawlies are all around you. Exhausting? Draining?

That’s sort of like what it has been inside my psyche since the two medical traumas of 2013, ever increasing since The Shattering. I’ve done the psychologist, the counseling, continue with the CPAP, with the Xanax, with the Celexa. It is just what it is. Chronic anxiety, panic, depression, and chronic suicidal thoughts.

First, put your mind at rest. The chronic suicidal is just an open sore in my life. It is there, but there are no plans since I have failed three times in my life, and death has had opportunities before to take me away, but did not. Just a continual desire that I perpetually ignore, sometimes ponder.

One of the biggest steps or discoveries or something was to give up drinking. Because of depression, and other weird physical reasons, I quit. Thirty odd years, and cold turkey. I still join friends at pubs and whatnot. Being around alcohol does not deter me from living life.

Anxiety is an ever-present constant. What are some of the triggers? Large crowds in confined spaces with multiple stimuli. Solo road trips. People in conflict within close proximity to my personal space. Prepping up to go to a planned in advance event. Yes, I endure and attend. And through it all, my energies are on edge. And after it all, my body shuts down for several days. It wants to completely shut off, but I still yet go to work because that is my one place of relative bliss.

This is the reasoning behind all my “Maybe” responses to invites. I never know until the moment before if I am ready to attend. This is the reasoning behind requests as of late for drivers or passengers for road trips. This is the reasoning for why I choose to purpose for only one event in a several day or week or month span. Or I might think I am up for multiple events, and I done give out for a lengthy spell after.

In the meantime, I continue to hit the gym when I am able. I continue to ponder auditioning for another show but never sure if I want to endure rehearsals yet Xanax is there to assist. I continue with work as it is my joy. I continue to long for church, but attend only when I know my psyche is ready for the crowd. I continue to hope for the day I am ready and able for a solo road trip. I continue to rest in God’s gentle grasp, knowing His ever presence through it all.

What can you do? I honestly have no specific answer for that one. Just knowing is a great help. Spontaneity is my friend. Hence, I do a lot on my own because the rummaging through my mind to think of who I could ask to go at the last minute is trauma itself. Yes, I know you have told me before that you are spontaneous as well. But I still work it through my mind that you will not be available at that moment.

For me personally arranging an event for a few people and trying to coordinate everything and everyone together to make sure it all works, yeah, that I am unable to handle very well. If you want to plan ahead for something, let me know if you are unable to at the last minute, I will understand for my psyche might end up not being ready at the last minute.

Sometimes, I long for a hug or a cuddler, but that does not happen, or I realize that just me and slumber is better. Use your better judgement, it will be fine.

I have gotten through much worse on my own, this too I will be able to survive and show it all that I thrive. These are my rambling thoughts. Off to the gym. Hugs!