During all that time lying and thinking, a lot of pondering went on. I stared at that Health Care Directive and realized how single I am. Right now, sure there are people that could be added to it to make those decisions. But, if I stay here in NOrth Dakota, and being the youngest sibling and cousin, when I do finally get old, I definitely will be alone with none to make those decisions.
I have been able to tolerate the political conservative climate here in North Dakota for a good while, but this current Legislative session makes me question my toleration.
I know I have a disconnect with the gay community here in Bismarck, for many reasons I am sure, but mostly because I am too out, authentic nor discrete about being gay. As well, I have disconnect with immediate family descendants of Dad and Mom, probably for the same reason. I have tons of straight friends who welcome me openly into their circles. The fact was shown this weekend. I am able to count on one hand the number of gay friends who made any sort of connection whatsoever, even with a simple “LIKE” on any of the postings. Is that a true barometer of connect, I don’t know.
So, why do I even stay, since there is no hope whatsoever for a decent relationship-for-life in this town, since there is no hope of a political climate hospitable for the gay community. The gay guys that are out, so many have force-fit themselves into a relationship for the sake of avoiding being single. Or, the gay guys are so deep in the closet, oftentimes because they are married. And within my age bracket, there are no gay guys who are out and authentic and received by straight friends whilst being gay. The fact is simple, I am a hopeless romantic who simply does not want to be old, gray and alone.
Washington state? Colorado? Savannah, Georgia? Maryland? I have not the funds for moving, nor even for the upcoming deluge of out-of-pocket expense from this hospital visit. Whee.
Thinkings will continue. Just keep on continuing to cling to YHWH, that is my course of action.