Well. This is where I am. Yes, I am at work. In Bismarck. Mentally, emotionally, I haven’t the clue where I am.
I am being evicted. Not for any reason of my own, nor of my landlady’s. The basement apartment has become toxic. First it was mold, then came the radon. My landlady has become tapped out and has decided that she is unable to move farther along with any continued remodeling and believes for my health and safety that I should move. My primary care doc even advised as much.
So. Fixing to be transitionary again. I think I can deal with all of that. But I have been there six years. I love that place, the Grotto.
What right now I am unable to comprehend is the silence. I sent an email out to close siblings and cousins. Two cousins direct replied with solid concern and stuff. I posted the blip on Facebook. Out of 480+ friends on there, only two have thus far posted any direct reply to that update. A few have been sending me periodic messages sharing concern.
Therefore, I plod on forward alone. Yes, I have received great hospitality from my gal pal sis this past month whilst the apartment was being remodeled. Had it not been for her, the stress level would have been even more unbearable. Had it not been for being on stage, I would not have had a great diversion. Had it not been for the checking in from my NASCAR brother, I’d believe I’d been forgotten. Had it not been for faith in Christ, it would be so much easier to toss in the towel and simply depart.
Where is the voice from the local faith community? Where is the voice from the gay community? Why can I not embrace the warmth and concern from simply my beloved theatre family? Why must I fret over the silence of others? What am I supposed to do? Am I not enough of a drama queen already that I really don’t need to be jumping up and down screaming for a smidge of compassion?
I give and give and give. I am done give out. A random hug here or there, a kind word here or there, yes they do refuel me. But for how long? How long can a man trod on alone without replenishment before the path swallows him whole? Yes, I am reminded thoroughly through Scripture of the promises of God’s sustaining love and care. But wouldn’t a human-in-flesh reminder be nice too? Where are the human hands and feet of Christ here on earth for me? Am I being selfish? Am I being whiney? What would You have me learn from all this recent muck, YHWH? When can I come Home? Why do I always get ruffled by the unknown? What is going on. What.